A Mothers heart.
I’m sitting here and it’s late and I know I should be asleep but it hurts too much. I know I have to share and not hide because there’s someone else out there suffering too. I am so sorry Mumma, I want you to know I cry for you too. I pray each night before I sleep for those who have had to suffer as I have.
Grief sucks, I never knew It could hurt so much. I have a pain and ache so deep in my chest, it physically hurts. Tears fill my whole face and I have pressure in every part of my body. I wonder most days what Reuben would look like or what would he be doing. I pray often and ask Jesus to say hello to Reuben and let him know how much I miss him.
I can often feel lost as if half of me is here and half of me is there with him in heaven. There is such a beauty in this and I’m in no rush to run away from such pain. Grief can feel safe when you know there’s a God carrying your burden for you. Although grief is terrifying and takes you into the deeper parts of your soul where it’s hard to go. Although I have found that grief doesn’t have to be a lonely place and I have learned over the years to go to the place where grief is heavy because it has slowly become a healing place. But I still have moments where I find statements and questions within like,’ It’s not fair’ or ‘Why me’
All the statements above are so real and valid and God hears every one of them. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t have any emotion or questions.
I want you to know there is no rush to heal and no shame in the journey. It’s been 3 years and 4 months since my Reu went to be with Jesus and there’s never a day I don’t think of him.
I never forget the pain of what it is to lose a child but I know it’s not a burden I carry, I lean on to Jesus. Oh, I love Jesus so much. He’s my friend and my savior, not enough words could describe the love I have for Jesus.
I am aware that me speaking about Jesus or a faith eIther makes you angry or at peace. Losing a baby at any stage is heartbreaking and traumatic and no one can take your love away that you have for your darling child. I know Jesus doesn’t want to take any part of your baby away from you. Please don’t be afraid to mourn or grieve but please don’t be afraid of Jesus. He loves you in your grief and it’s okay to be angry and scared. Just know that his words may be the last thing you wanted to be reminded of but it’s his word that heals and keeps us close to our loved ones. Without Jesus grief can be a hard place to live but with Jesus, it’s lighter because you no longer carry the burden.
I wanted to be real about what grief looks like and real about what sustains me in my grief. Grief can feel like actual death is happening to you but all I know is grief feels like a safe place to go when Jesus is close. I want to just say everyday feels different and this doesn't mean you'r unstable or broken, this just means your human and a reminder to us that we can not go through grief without leaning upon Jesus.
All my love to you.