• Leah Bucko

Fragmented Hearts

‘Fragmented hearts, torn between Heaven and Earth,

Mourning and laughter entwined into a psalm before God.

Aching hearts weeping for their loved ones,

Not because they don't have faith but because they are made in the likeness of God,

Striving to fill a whole that is too deep for earthly things.

They turn to the one that made all beings,

Trusting that there's a way forward.

Jesus is waiting with His arms wide open,

Ready to fill the gap between them and heaven.

Then hope arises,

New life starts living,

And promises fill their hearts.’

On the morning of the 7th of January 2018, I was sat with my arms wrapped around my precious baby boy. Waking up with heavy eyes and a broken heart. His forehead was cold as he had no life left in his body. Picking up all I had left of him to lay him down, to say my final goodbyes. I was never going to see those beautiful brown eyes again, I was never going to hold his hand and sing to him again. How could this be? How can this pain even be real? I made him comfortable, and kissed his little head goodnight. I walked along the surreal walk back to the car with a box full of the fragmentation of his short life. I held tightly as people walked out with their car seats and babies, thinking I would never get over this excruciating pain.

The moment my sweet boy took his last breath, my heart and my life shattered into a million pieces. During a time of great need, there was a miracle, but when he physically left me, it didn't feel much was left.

I want to share a story from the Bible with you. In this story, there was a great need. Thousands of people needed feeding, and all that Jesus and his disciples had was a few slices of bread and a fish. Jesus wasn't worried, as he knew what he had would stretch and feed them all, and leave enough for his disciples to eat too.

I know personally seeing a miracle can be life-changing and strengthening to your heart. I wonder as the disciples were handing out the bread, did they hope there would be some left at the end? Being part of a miracle and not being able to enjoy it, would be so disappointing.

This is what it felt like for me seeing Reuben live through his birth, and 8 days more than what was expected, this was a miracle in itself, but for then to be taken from me. I was disappointed, hurt, and confused. Jesus says to us what He said to his disciples,

“Gather up the leftover fragments and let nothing be wasted” - John 16;12

WOW! This is sweetness to my broken heart. There's more than just suffering, there's so much more than our grief. I know it may feel hard, and what you see may look fragile, fragmented and bruised. But there is good news, there's something more waiting for you!

When my husband and I were on our honeymoon, we brought back a glass bowl and spoon. But unfortunately I dropped the spoon and smashed the fragments everywhere on my floor. Gutted was an understatement. Although it was still a spoon, it now was fragmented. If I was to glue it back together, I would have a completely new spoon. Yes I probably wouldn't be able to use it the same, and it would be fragile - but it would have a new purpose. Most importantly it would have a deeper story to tell. Ultimately it would become more precious and I would take care of it much better next time.

Your heart represents the broken spoon. What if I told you that your heart could love and feel joy again? I believe your broken heart can be scooped up and put back together in a new way. Although it may be fragile, it still has a purpose.

The truth for some of us, is that all we have left is a broken and fragmented heart. Let’s take hold of the words of Jesus, “pick up what's left and let nothing be wasted.” It may feel like nothing, but when it’s put back together with a new way it becomes fruitful. Your broken heart is not a waste, and as the Bible says..

“Your Ashes will be turned into Beauty.”

“Fragmented hearts, torn between heaven and earth,

Hope and grace entwined before the throne of God. Lives lifting through the light as darkness falls into the dark,

Eyes opening, hearts awakening.

Dreams and visions exploding through the night sky,

Flowers blooming within the green pastures,

Opening up before those who hope again.

Jesus is waiting with His arms wide open,

ready to fill the gap between them and heaven.

Then hope arises,

New life starts living,

And promises fill their hearts.'

I often go through Reuben’s memory box. I pick up what is left, I smell his clothes and cuddle his bear as if he was still here with me. My memories and the fragments of my heart, doesn't bring Reuben back, but it's a part of him. Here lives a story that will bring hope. What I see as leftovers and not the real thing, will bring me comfort in my suffering. Reminding me I am not strong alone, but I am strong with God.

Importantly it reminds me of what miracle took place in my life.

Picking up what's left is simply giving your fragments to God. You don't have to hold them alone, because He is waiting with His arms wide open, ready to fill the gap between you and heaven. I can't promise it's easy and short, but I can imagine it's a life long journey that is filled with blessings and hope.

I wonder if Jesus's disciples felt bitter and disappointed, because they were eating leftovers? The truth is I don't know. I would like to think that they were thankful, and felt blessed to have been part of a miracle. Without truly knowing the fragmented heart, they probably had mixed emotions of disappointment and gratefulness for being part of a miracle. So let shame go and pick up what's leftover! There's something more on the other side of your broken heart.

Love Leah x

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